Erin Sullivan in the ICU: This is not their Eva. This can't be happening. She's their doll, shiny dark hair, warm eyes, full, rosy lips. She's tiny, 4 feet 81/2 inches and weighs just over 100 pounds. She's 19 years old, wears clothes from the kids' department, but is so mature. She doesn't party, drink or smoke.
Man.
Great story, but it cries out for a photograph.
I should clarify that I'm talking about a mug shot of the woman, or her and her kids, not a photo of the scene.
Hello!
There was a photograph of Eva in the paper. I don't know why it wasn't posted with the story online.
If you guys can think of any ways this story could have been better, please let me know. I wrote it Friday afternoon and that night, after it was too late to make changes, I kept reading it over and over and I wasn't real happy with it. I wish it would have been shorter. I'm not keen on the intro and the sentence fragments. And I started way too many sentences with "she."
Anyway... If any of my stories are posted on Gangrey and you guys have ideas on how they could have been improved, I'd love to hear them. I won't cry. Promise. I just want to get better.
Hope all of you are having a good weekend!
Cheers,
Erin
And thanks to those people who said they liked the story. I sincerely appreciate it.
It's just such a terrible thing to happen.
I loved this story. This is the sort of thing we never follow up on. Car crashes happen, we move on. The whole time I'm reading it, I'm thinking, Wow. How'd she get this kind of access?
So, how did you?
As far as how the story could have been better: I think if the top had been of a scene, rather than an overview, maybe it would have carried more folks past the jump. There is nothing wrong with it the way it is, but those scenes down in the middle are simply amazing. You just don't see that kind of stuff in the newspaper. Anyway, keep doing this kind of stuff, and keep posting it.
Thanks!
This story is all because of Tom Lake -- who is wickedly talented and a wonderful person. He also is known to make a mean mojito, though I showed up at he and his wife's place too late to get one last night. (Ah, the punishments of the perpetually late...)
Tom works in a different bureau than I do, but we cover the same county. It was Wednesday and he was swamped. Late in the afternoon he sent me a message. A friend of Eva's family had called, asking why nothing about the accident had been in the paper. The woman left her number and Margaret's number. She said Eva was in ICU in St. Pete and was in a coma.
I profusely thanked Tom and then called the woman and Eva's mother. I got the okay from them to go to the hospital. With traffic, it was more than an hour from my bureau. I got there, found the family and sat with them till it was late.
The family was hesitant and there were many times I felt like I overstayed my welcome. But I asked if I should go and they said no. So I just stayed.
As far as the construction of the story, thanks for your comments. In my first draft I started out with the scene of Eva in her bed. I wanted to start off slow and then pick up pace and urgency. But my editor wanted more action at the top -- which I think was a good call. I tried a few different things and then ended up going with what I did, more because of time and deadline than anything else.
Erin -- you know I loved this story. But I think the ending could have been better than "With waiting there had been hope."
Maybe this is too easy, but my eye wanted something like "With waiting there was hope," or "with waiting she had hope."
Small thing. Keep crankin'.
This story was amazing. Witnessing, literally, the end of life is rare. It was powerful.
The lede works, I think. Painting the scene probably would have made me go away. I appreciated that stuff later because I felt like I knew Eva a little better. Plus, it would have been a divergence later to weave some of that stuff in you got out of the way at the top.
When reading this, I thought, "Good, she didn't make me wait to find out what happened: She was hit by an SUV." I was carried through to the end, and I was shocked to see the doctor turn off the machine and her last breaths escape her. I actually had a lump in my throat thinking about having been in that room before.
The things I didn't like were nitpicky. For instance, I didn't like this construction. You said what was going on: "Margaret tries to control what she can. " Then showed what you meant through detailed fragments. It didn't work for me.
The fact that this story written on deadline, though, makes it even better. Great job.
Erin,
The editor's note says this is the first in a series. Can you tell us more about what you plan to write?
Phenomenal story, Erin, particularly on deadline. Incredible details, reported and written in a way that is affecting without being melodramatic.
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