Erin Sullivan in the ICU: This is not their Eva. This can't be happening. She's their doll, shiny dark hair, warm eyes, full, rosy lips. She's tiny, 4 feet 81/2 inches and weighs just over 100 pounds. She's 19 years old, wears clothes from the kids' department, but is so mature. She doesn't party, drink or smoke.
Man.
Great story, but it cries out for a photograph.
I should clarify that I'm talking about a mug shot of the woman, or her and her kids, not a photo of the scene.
Hello!
There was a photograph of Eva in the paper. I don't know why it wasn't posted with the story online.
If you guys can think of any ways this story could have been better, please let me know. I wrote it Friday afternoon and that night, after it was too late to make changes, I kept reading it over and over and I wasn't real happy with it. I wish it would have been shorter. I'm not keen on the intro and the sentence fragments. And I started way too many sentences with "she."
Anyway... If any of my stories are posted on Gangrey and you guys have ideas on how they could have been improved, I'd love to hear them. I won't cry. Promise. I just want to get better.
Hope all of you are having a good weekend!
Cheers,
Erin
And thanks to those people who said they liked the story. I sincerely appreciate it.
It's just such a terrible thing to happen.
I loved this story. This is the sort of thing we never follow up on. Car crashes happen, we move on. The whole time I'm reading it, I'm thinking, Wow. How'd she get this kind of access?
So, how did you?
As far as how the story could have been better: I think if the top had been of a scene, rather than an overview, maybe it would have carried more folks past the jump. There is nothing wrong with it the way it is, but those scenes down in the middle are simply amazing. You just don't see that kind of stuff in the newspaper. Anyway, keep doing this kind of stuff, and keep posting it.
Erin -- you know I loved this story. But I think the ending could have been better than "With waiting there had been hope."
Maybe this is too easy, but my eye wanted something like "With waiting there was hope," or "with waiting she had hope."
Small thing. Keep crankin'.
Phenomenal story, Erin, particularly on deadline. Incredible details, reported and written in a way that is affecting without being melodramatic.